I’m not ok

I’m not ok. I feel like I’m losing who I am. My passion is going. I’m moody most of the time. My smile has disappeared. I’m losing my identity.

I don’t know where this has stemmed from. I’m trying to figure it out. I haven’t been the same recently, that’s what I do know. I’m normally a happy, cheerful guy, with a hunger for life. I’ve missed training sessions recently. I’m  lacking on the blog and on social media.

Why is this happening? What’s causing the dismay, when I look in the mirror, feeling someone else is in my body? I’m JOHN SENNETT!! Where the bloody hell am I?

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Is it 2018? Is the pressure too much? Are the untold stories getting to me? Over the last few hours, after a morning I want to forget, I’ve had some time out. I slept most of the time to let the darkness disappear; even just for a few hours. I’m taking today and tomorrow off from training. I need to understand. Just a little bit of time will hopefully help.

So what is it? What’s going on? Am I unhappy? I don’t think I am. I think I’m just lost. Maybe even worried. It feels like the world is in my hands. I’ve got a choice; throw it away, or take it for a ride.

My 2018 plans are my way of taking the world for a ride. I have untold stories coming up, that’s making me shiver in my boots; ok, trainers. I think the unknown is taking over my mind. Am I good enough? Is this all possible?

I never like doing things easy. I don’t want that. I want to push the heart. I want to push the love one has for what he does. Helping others always comes at a price. It takes energy. It takes positivity. I don’t have that right now. I don’t have the hunger I had, but that’s what I think?! I know it’s there. I know the drive and determination will break this. I need to get out of this mindset. I need to fight for the light to appear.

People are counting on me. I’m counting on me. People believe the fundraising year is to help others (which it is), but it’s to also help me. I need something to help me to finally let go of the past. I need to find the motivation to make this happen. Where are you?

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I love sharing my stories, and I plan to tell them in detail in 2018. I want to let go. I want to finally feel free. I can’t feel free until December 31st 2018 is here. I need to know I done as much as I could in 2018. I need to know I can finally move on.

This is all I’ve got. I feel this is a make or break year. It’s either a success or a complete fail. I’m hard on myself, I know! I want the best! I want the most out of my life. This slump or whatever it is needs to shift. It needs to do one. I feel it’s going to take some time. It’s going to be a while until I fully feel myself again.

My smile is waiting to appear again. My cheekiness is anxiously waiting to make an appearance. The light feels distant. It’ll come. I know it will. I just need to understand.

John Sennett will be back soon…

 

 

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5 thoughts on “I’m not ok

  1. It’s okay to be not okay. I’m
    Not okay and once was a shamed. Sometimes I feel like a burden, well most of the time to those I love and adore, but in reality it’s those who are keeping me here. I write on here how I feel because I find if I share my experiences, which inspires someone else, then somehow I’m winning. Write how you feel and I’ll look forward to your further posts. J

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  2. I think everyone has a slump every so often. And that’s absolutely fine and completely understandable. You have so much happening in 2018 it’s ok for it to be getting you down. You’ll find your way back soon enough and please reach out to me if there’s anything I can do to help. I’m a bit lost at knowing what to do! But if it’s just someone to listen then give me a nudge on Facebook! ❤

    Like

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