A message to my unforgotten loved ones

I’ve never forgotten about you both. You know how much you mean to me. A day doesn’t go past without you in my thoughts.

Nan, losing you when I was young broke me. Part of me still isn’t over losing you. I miss you. I want you here. I want to sit and have a chat over pink wafer biscuits. Do you remember? I do. Those were good times.

Flash, this last year hasn’t been the same. Waking up, and not seeing your smile at the bottom of the stairs hurts. It hurts coming home and not seeing you there ready for a cuddle.

It isn’t easy without you both. Life isn’t the same without you. You’re my family. Whether you’re here in person or not, you’re still my family. I love you both.

Growing up without you Nan was tough. You know I was being bullied before you passed away, and life started to crumble. I started to lose my smile. I felt lost. I didn’t have you there to hold my hand. I had no escape. I  had no-one to turn to.

I remember crying. I still cry now knowing you’re not here. It’s tough on all of us. You brought Benny and I together. When you left, something happened. Benny and I went to football together. We started to go to shows. He’s now taking my blog photos. It feels like you’re still here. When I’m with him, part of you is there. Part of you is there in person, and the rest is either in my heart or looking down on me.

Now, how can I forget you Flash? You were only tiny when we got you. 6 weeks old, and you pissed on the sofa. I’ll never forget that moment. I’ll never forget you. 15 years. How did you put up with me? You were my brother. Not a day went past where we didn’t smile. We had some good times. You saved my life. I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t because of you.

I struggled. Life got to me. I would run home from school, knowing you’d be there to protect me. I knew seeing you would turn my frown upside down. I didn’t want to be alive, but I couldn’t leave you. We’re brothers. We were in it until the very end.

I held your paw. I held you tight. I saw the needle going in, and that was it. I was on my own. It was time to stand up for myself. It was time to accept the past and to use it. I started to understand when you were gone. It’s the same with you Nan. I know you’re still here. You’re in my heart. You have been since you’ve gone. You were when I first saw you.

It’s feelings like this, that aren’t easy to share. I might write personal posts, but I still struggle. This post got to me. It was hard to talk about it again.

I thought I would seem weak if I opened up growing up. I learned to embrace my feelings. I learned to accept how I feel. It’s OK to have down days. It’s OK to turn to someone. It’s OK to say you’re not OK. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.

You’re amazing! We all are! What might seem a daunting task can be a release. It’s why I write personal posts. Writing helps me to get these feelings off my chest. Find what works for you and go with it. If you don’t know, try.

Just remember to stay true to yourself!

 

 

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