I wanted to cry. I wanted to REALLY cry!
“Pamela, you haven’t got Cancer!! The scans were normal.”
I broke down inside. I didn’t know how to react on the outside. I turned to my side and saw my mum smiling. That’s all I wanted. I wanted to see my mum smile again.
To say these past few weeks have been tough is an understatement. Seeing my mum fall apart both emotionally and physically with the worry the “BIG C” was back, it got to me. It made me feel things I never thought I’d fear again. I found it hard the first time dealing with the emotions of seeing a parent battle Cancer; I couldn’t go through it again.
She’s cried in my arms. She’s held my hand tight (to the point I couldn’t feel my fingers). She’s begged me not to take her to the hospital.
“Mum, it’s going to be OK! We’re here!”
The moment the worry started, I vowed to be with my mum. I vowed to be at every appointment. I stayed strong, but I was hurting. I was hurting every time an appointment came up, as I knew we had a battle. I knew emotionally just going to the hospital was going to be a lot, but being in the room with my mum, whilst everyone else waited outside, I had a job on my hands.
I had a job to do what my mum does for all of us…she’s there when we need her. It was time I sat there, listened to everything the doctor/consultant said and once we left every appointment, reassure her of the things I heard and say on repeat, “things are going to be OK!”. I didn’t know this of course, but I had to stay strong.
I had to stay strong, as I know I’m an emotional person. I know I break easily. I know I let things get to me. I’ve lost some of the closest people I love and adore already, I couldn’t lose someone else.
I couldn’t lose my mum!
But I’m not!…
I’m incredibly grateful to know she’s OK, and today, I broke down. I finally got the emotions out. During my walk today, I took some time out. I sat on the beach, and thought about life. I thought about how lucky I am to have her here. I thought about how lucky I am to have an incredible girlfriend who kept me going. I thought about all of you for reaching out to me, when I was struggling.
I honestly can’t thank you all enough!
The messages have kept me going. The messages gave me hope.
We can now move on from this, not only seeing my mum smile again, but knowing the incredible love and support there is out there in the world, when people are struggling.